you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
