You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
