pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
