So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
