I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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