i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
