you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
bring money and cleavage
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize