Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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