Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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