I just made out with a guy for $7.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
