thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
sex in a hospital.. check
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
