____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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