This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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