This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
