In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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