And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Randomize
