I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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