eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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