he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
