One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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