just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
