you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Randomize
