peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize