barbara walters just said penis...
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
vagina is talking i cant
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
