ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
