stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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