Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
