nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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