We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
