We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
