Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Randomize
