There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
