Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
