ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
