4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
