THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Dignity is for republicans.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
