I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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