Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
40s are totally the cure
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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