I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
