My hand turned me down
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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