I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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