my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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