Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
