I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
it's like heaven, but drunker
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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