At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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