I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Randomize