Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
