Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
