Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Everything about him screamed your future.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize