I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
time to smoke my breakfast
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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