Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
