Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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