What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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