I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
