I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
This house was built for laser tag.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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