I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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