Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
