Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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