So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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