we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
