Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
