i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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