I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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