I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
