My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
